Monday, November 29, 2004

form or function

adjustable shoe

this looks like a brilliant idea - a woman's shoe with an adjustable heel height... but i don't think many women will wear it though... as functional and practical as it may be, it just does not look stylish...

in fact, it kinda makes me think of lego (even though it doesn't actually look like it's made of lego)... if girls won't wear lego (and i'm pretty sure they won't - they won't even play with it so some brainiac came up with girlie lego called ello) then i don't think they'll wear this...

Friday, November 19, 2004

from the incredibly useless technology category

get a load of this usb mince pie...

well, ok, maybe not entirely useless - it does store data, but really, i can't see this as being the next big thing unless the world's population is suddenly converted to weebl and bob...

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

i'm an uh-oh!

y'know, i always liked denis leary's asshole song but it occurred to me today that it's not the sort of song you can let young and impressionable children listen to... we need a version that is safe for kids... so that's what i'm going to try to do, i'm going to try and make one...

folks, i'd like to sing a song about the adolescent dream
about me
about you
about the way our adolescent hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests
about that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts [why not, it was pubescent humour the first time 'round]
maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area
hopefully not in the liver or anywhere near the kidneys
and i don't want to know anything about your colon, so don't ask me

i'm just a regular kid, with an afterschool job
and occasionally part of an unruly mob
i like baseball, and lego, and games with high scores
i've got an average room where you can't see the floor
my mom and my dad,
our cat and our dog
my feet on the sofa,
and my secret pet frog.

but sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a kid like me interested (oh no, no way, uh-uh)
so i gotta go out and have fun at someone elses expense (oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)

i walk really slow in big lines when it rains
while people behind me are going insane
i'm an uh-oh (he's an uh-oh, what an uh-oh)
i'm an uh-oh (he's an uh-oh, such an uh-oh)

i use public toilets and i saran wrap the seats
i run around in the summertime and i never wash my feet
i'm an uh-oh (he's an uh-oh, what an uh-oh)
i'm an uh-oh (he's worlds biggest uh-oh)

sometimes i fart in fancy-pants places
while fancy-pants people make fancy-pants faces
i'm an uh-oh (he's an uh-oh, what an uh-oh)
i'm an uh-oh (he's a big troubled uh-oh)

maybe i shouldn't be singing this song
mommy is crying and dad says that it's wrong
good thing my attention span isn't that long
i'm an uh-oh (he's an uh-oh, what an uh-oh)
i'm an uh-oh (he's worlds biggest uh-oh)

you know what i'm gonna do, i'm gonna get myself a nice big economy sized bundle of toilet paper from the local grocers, 2 ply, with lots of fluffy white softness and all the absorbency you could ask for and pictures of flowers printed on every single square, yeah! and i'm going to take that toilet paper and wrap it around other peoples cars, right around the undercarriage, all through the wheel wells and up into the exhaust pipe, and i'm going to leave the windshields free so i can smear vaseline all over them and when i'm done smearing cars with petroleum jelly i'm going to wipe my bum with other peoples mail and put the letters back in the wrong mail boxes and there ain't a gosh darned thing anybody can do about it. do you know why? because i got my mom, that's why. 2 words. emotional freakin' manipulation, OK?. neighbors, teachers, postmen, they can have all the discipline they want, they can have a big discipline spank-walk right through the middle of nathan phillips square and it won't make a lick of difference because i've got my mom. OK?

your cat's not dead, he's frozen and as soon as you find him in amongst the mixed peas you're going to thaw him out he's going to be really ticked off. do you know why? have you ever taken a cold shower? well multiply that by 15 gazillion times, that's how ticked off your cat's gonna be. so go get your cat, and your hat, and your fox and your socks, take 'em out of the freezer, and drive down to the vet's

(you know you really were an uh oh) why don't you shut up and sing the song pal
i'm an uh-oh (he's an uh-oh, what an uh-oh)
i'm an uh-oh (he's worlds biggest uh-oh)
emm, eye ess, tea eh, kay ee, everybody
M, I-S, T-A, K-E
ruff, ruff ruff, ruff ruff, ruff ruff
{place strange sounds here}

i'm an uh oh and i'm proud of it

there, that should do it... no bad words at all, that should definitely be safe for kids...

Thursday, November 11, 2004

what happened to ronald mcdonald?

ok, something is very wrong with this commercial... can you tell what it is?

this is a side of ronald mcdonald i've definitely never seen before... i wonder what the hamburglar and grimace look like in that dimension...

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

for the literal among us

when it comes to usb drives, there are thumb drives and then there are REAL THUMB DRIVEs...

Monday, November 08, 2004

i thought 'bird brain' was supposed to be an insult

i never trusted birds... i never felt that anything that large should have the gift of flight... it's too big a tactical advantage... well, guess what, it's not their only tactical advantage - add being deceptively smart to the list...

Friday, November 05, 2004

it slices, it dices, it sticks it to the (power company) man

dick van hoff: the tyranny of the plug

ever heard of a blender that didn't use electricity? how about a food processor? well you have now...

children of the corn

so here we have biodegradable blue ray dvds made from corn...

do you see the problem that i see?

when i burn my valuable data to an optical medium, the last thing i want to see happen is for that medium to degrade, much less biodegrade... i know that 'technically' cd's and dvd's don't last forever, but come one, at least try to humour us - there's no way i'd trust my data on something that looks like a giant corn chip...

i can't help but feel like this innovation is as useful as milkbone underwear...

i spy with my little eye

move over, scotty... your transparent aluminum is old news... now we've got Light transmitting concrete...

Thursday, November 04, 2004

here we go again

4 more years of bush's quasi-dictatorship... great...

y'know, right about now i imagine some of the folks in the states are realizing just how important education really is to the political process... why?... because 'your fellow american is a dumbass'...

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

"computer, end simulation"

holo-emitter technology - check
holo-deck floor - check

what's next?... oh yes, solid holograms... ok world, invent solid holograms...

Monday, November 01, 2004

in the eye of a storm

well, we're in the eye of a scary storm... what scary storm? well, yesterday was halloween, tomorrow is the US presidential election...

nothing today though, that's why it's the eye of the storm... a plain ordinary day stuck in between two scary days and wouldn't you know it [channels garfield] it's a monday [/channels garfield]...

oh well, good luck everyone... hope to see you all after the apocalypse...